O let me clean my spirit of all doubt, give me the
                                                   signature of what I am.

                                —Ovid, The Metamorphoses, II

I

With a shriek gulls fled across a black sky,
all of us under the pier were silent,
my blood ached from waiting, then we resumed.
“You’re just like us,” some bastard said;
and it was true: my hair was close-cropped,
my frame reposed against a piling, my teeth
glistened, my prick was stiff. Little by little
they had made me like them, raptly feeding
in silhouette, with exposed abdomen,
like a spider sating itself. For a moment,
I was the eye through which the universe
beheld itself, like God. And then I gagged,
stumbling through brute shadows to take a piss,
a fly investigating my wet face.

II

Stay married, God said. One marriage.
         Don’t abortion. Ugly mortal sin.
Beautiful gorgeous Mary loves you
         so much. Heaven tremendous thrill
of ecstasy forever. What you are,
         they once was, God said, the beloved ones
before you; what they are, you will be.
         All the days. Don’t fornicate. Pray be good.
Serpent belly thorn and dust. Serpent belly
         sing lullaby. Beautiful gorgeous Jesus
loves you so much. Only way to Heaven
         church on Sunday. You must pray rosary.
Toil in fields. Heaven tremendous thrill
         of ecstasy forever. Don’t fornicate.

III

hefting me onto him
he let me cling on
like a little bear
my ardor my enemy
my cold legs clenching
the hard hairy chest
that was his body
middle-aged floating
under me until
a wall of salt
took us down
in a good clean break
I could feel like a stump
where love had been

IV

The search for a single dominant gene—
“the ‘O-God’ hypothesis” (one-gene,
one disorder)—which, like an oracle,
foreknows the sexual brain, is fruitless.

The human self is undeconstructable
montage, is poverty, learning, & war,
is DNA, words, is acts in a bucket,
is agony and love on a wheel that sparkles,

is a mother and father creating
and destroying, is mutable
and one with God, is man and wife speaking,
is innocence betrayed by justice,

is not sentimental but sentimentalized,
is a body contained by something bodiless.

V

“Knowledge enormous makes a God of me,”
Apollo cried, square-shouldered, naked, hair falling
down his back. Now that I am forty, nothing
I have learned proves this. Inside my chest
there is loose straw. Inside my brain there are
syllables and sound. Living inwardly,
how can I tell what is real and what is not?

Joy and grief pulse like water from a fountain
over me, a stone, but do not end as knowledge.
All my life, doing things in moderation,
I have wooed him, whose extremes are forgotten,
whose battered faceless torso fills me
with longing and shame. I lie in the grass
like a man whose being has miscarried.