In a light chocolatine room 
with blackout windows, 
a loud clock drowns in soft dawn’s   

syllables, crisscrossed 
with a broken cloudiness 
I’d choose as my own bedcovers   

but cannot. My choice of sleep 
or sky has no music of its own.  
There’s no “its own” while the baby cries.   

Oh the baby cries. He howls and claws 
like a wrongly minor red wolf 
who doesn’t know his mother.    

I know I am his mother, but I can’t 
quite click on the word’s essential aspects, 
can’t denude the flora   

or disrobe the kind of housecoat 
“mother” always is. Something 
cunty, something used.   

Whatever meaning the word itself 
is covering, like underwear, 
that meaning is so mere and meager   

this morning. Mother. Baby
Chicken and egg. It’s so obnoxious 
of me: I was an egg       

who had an egg 
and now I’m chicken, 
as usual scooping up   

both possibilities, 
or what I used to call 
possibilities. I used   

to be this way, so ontologically 
greedy, wanting to be it all. 
Serves me right.   

My belief in the fluidity 
of the self turns out to mean 
my me is a flow of wellwater,   

without the well, or the bucket, 
a hole dug and seeping.  
A kind of unwell, where   

the ground reabsorbs 
what it was displaced to give. 
The drain gives meaning to the sieve.   

Like I said: a chicken who still 
wants to be all potential.  
Someone who springs   

and falls, who cannot see 
how many of us I have 
in me and I do not like them all.   

Do I like us? Can I love us?   
If anyone comes 
first it’s him, but how can that be?   

I was here way, way first.  
I have the breasts, godawful, and he 
the lungs and we share the despair.   

For we are a we, aren’t we? We split 
a self in such a way that there isn’t 
enough for either of us.    

The father of the baby is sleepy 
and present in his way, in the way 
of fathers. He is devoted like   

few fathers and maybe hurts 
like I hurt, like no fathers. 
I don’t know what someone else   

feels, not even these someones 
who are also me. Do they hurt 
like I do? Why can’t they   

tell me, or Morse or sign: let 
me know they know where and how 
and why it hurts? Or something?   

What is the point of other people, 
being so separate, if we can’t 
help a person get that pain   

will stick its shiv into anything, 
just to get rid of the weapon 
and because it can? For if we share   

ourselves, then they too must 
also be in so much pain. 
I can hear it. Oh my loves.