squirrel killer 
predawn snacker 
keeper of a card-table office in the garage 
taker of long trips to the bathroom 
eater of pork rinds 
pisser off of porches 
strange understander of small children 

owner of a gun in a locked closet 
mispronouncer of important words 
writer of limericks 
faker of injuries 
watcher of hummingbirds 
writer of caps-locked e-mails 

subscriber to risky stock message boards 
taker of aspirin 
forgetter of birthdays 
seller of old shit 
lover of depressed golf pros 
emergency exiter